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How Did i get here? [06 Feb 2005|10:53pm]
That's all i can think as i sit in silence staring at Sammy, who's talking excitedly about- something, I'm not really paying much attention to be honest. The whole Car journey from camp to this little cafe in town's been talk on everything I've missed over the entire time i've been at the camp.

She suprised the hell out of me this morning- but it was a good suprise the best suprise.....
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[09 Jan 2005|01:22am]

Testing Testing:


Read more...Collapse )

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Have you ever felt kicked when you were down? [22 Dec 2004|11:39am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I feel like a puppet.

Like I'm being played with, I can't be imagining this- I just can't!

Greg hates me, Hates me because i didn't go to my own drama lesson because i was worried about him.....Friends don't leave friends.....and if your in love that goes 10 fold.

I saw him there like I've never known him before. So upset, so scared, and i wanted to help him...But i messed up. I know I know. Again.

It's like everytime i try and find my leg's to walk the carpets pulled from under me and I'm falling all over again, but it's my friends, those who claim to love me that are causing it.....I can handle a stranger but....no. not those i've trusted in.

I've told them things that no one else knows......I've confided everyhting in them and I learnt to love again for the first time since.....since love screwed me over the first time.
And what has it all been for? Nothing.

Friends? One who abused and tormented me, one who then turned about and beat the living crap out of me,one who constantly makes me feel like I'm not worth the ground he walks on....He'll talk with me yes, and it feels like im soaring, like he wants to be there...and then he'll walk off, walk straight back to Drew.....and i get that....I do... But i've done everyhting in my power to not turn my back, and not walk away and not be openly with Tobey in front of him,while all the time.....argh i don't know. It's like he's reminding me...

I miss that little scroll on its place on the mantelpiece that guides me, I miss my dog, and my sister...Oh Sam you'd watch over me! I miss the sunday meals and striving to be my dads stead....He was too great a man to follow, but in a way i wouldn't change that for anything. It means I'm always striving to meet those wide strides....

But I'm dying here..wasting away, and i don't think i can do this love thing anymore....I told Greg..I told him and i told Tobey- I'd mess it up...I'd mess it up....stay back, and neither did..Well now Greg knows, and he's staying away...and it hurts.

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to struggle through everyday or hide away wondering when the next big disasters going to happen to me.

Should have left me in that basement Greg.

Mum I wanna come home.

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Lifes a Bitch.. [28 Nov 2004|06:35pm]
I'm starting to believe Dan was right when he talked to me.

Everythings going so wrong!- I don't even know how to begin to make it right again.

I hear things arnlt too good for him either at the moment- poor soul....I know the feeling.....

Not to mention ive had various brushings with Drew today....

I know he means well, and he's trying to hard- but he has to realise- He canlt fix both parties, one of us will alwasy be losing out- and It'll be me..... He cares so much about Greg i can tell....

So I'd rather not put myself through that.

Another day another few tears- Maybe i should call home.....
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[19 Nov 2004|09:41pm]
Well I bumped into Greg today- He's a nice lad, and he seemed a bit busy so i offered to change the theater lights for him. After all, I had nothign better to do.

I mean.I walked past the art room and considered sneaking a few moments with Tobey again- but Instead I only needed to watch him playfighting with Tom and Dan with paint to realise how totaly....IN LOVE i am!

GOD.....It was like some corney film where you see someone and they move in slow motion... Paint on his finger wiping it all over poor Dan..... A big smile on his face- totally oblivious to my presence there and I was just smiling at him, because I felt so...Whats the word....Argh I can't describe it..

His innocense charmed me, but i knew whom he was inside, I'd seen it in his eyes and now I was captivated.....I wished night would come now..... I wanted to spend the evening with him and him alone. Because no-one else existed when i was with him.

I can;'t ever remember feeling like this...and I had to go..I had to clear my head ebfore i saw him this evening...Before i said something foolish now.Something which would probably scare him away forever.
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Have you seen THIS group? [17 Nov 2004|08:40am]
Okay so my groups totally missing in action, seems the word " cleaning" awoke some primal fear and they have all scarpered into the hills.

All well and good except they forgot to inform me. So I'm there, I was tidying solo and I think its all beginning to shape up now. Thank God my side of the cabins already tidy!

Tobey's such a star bless him. A real sweetheart- came in and visited, actually put a smile back on my face. He's got such enthusiasm, and he's adament we'll both make it to the pool tonight, but I won't let him do my groups work for it. He doesn't deserve that.

It was good to see him though, and He actually found Jake out to come and help me- How sweet is that?

Well i really better get working again, It's bad enough slacking normally, but when you slacking infront of the camp leader it gets noted down ;).

Maybe I should go and finish off the polishing...If i don't pass out from those fumes- they really make my head spin!

peace out!
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[14 Nov 2004|05:13pm]
I've only been here a couple of days and I'm already hooked- Everyones been so nice and theres a few people that i should probably mention...

I spent the evening after dinner with Tobey- Now theres someone you can respect...He's not one to be played with- i can tell that- under that angelic exterior theres som glimmer of something else.

He's great- really great. And very handsome i might add- the stars shine in those eyes...
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[14 Nov 2004|04:38pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Dear Diary,

What a tacky way to start-

This is my camp diary! Enjoy!

x O

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