bloom_gal (bloom_gal) wrote,
bloom_gal
bloom_gal

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Have you ever felt kicked when you were down?

I feel like a puppet.

Like I'm being played with, I can't be imagining this- I just can't!

Greg hates me, Hates me because i didn't go to my own drama lesson because i was worried about him.....Friends don't leave friends.....and if your in love that goes 10 fold.

I saw him there like I've never known him before. So upset, so scared, and i wanted to help him...But i messed up. I know I know. Again.

It's like everytime i try and find my leg's to walk the carpets pulled from under me and I'm falling all over again, but it's my friends, those who claim to love me that are causing it.....I can handle a stranger but....no. not those i've trusted in.

I've told them things that no one else knows......I've confided everyhting in them and I learnt to love again for the first time since.....since love screwed me over the first time.
And what has it all been for? Nothing.

Friends? One who abused and tormented me, one who then turned about and beat the living crap out of me,one who constantly makes me feel like I'm not worth the ground he walks on....He'll talk with me yes, and it feels like im soaring, like he wants to be there...and then he'll walk off, walk straight back to Drew.....and i get that....I do... But i've done everyhting in my power to not turn my back, and not walk away and not be openly with Tobey in front of him,while all the time.....argh i don't know. It's like he's reminding me...

I miss that little scroll on its place on the mantelpiece that guides me, I miss my dog, and my sister...Oh Sam you'd watch over me! I miss the sunday meals and striving to be my dads stead....He was too great a man to follow, but in a way i wouldn't change that for anything. It means I'm always striving to meet those wide strides....

But I'm dying here..wasting away, and i don't think i can do this love thing anymore....I told Greg..I told him and i told Tobey- I'd mess it up...I'd mess it up....stay back, and neither did..Well now Greg knows, and he's staying away...and it hurts.

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to struggle through everyday or hide away wondering when the next big disasters going to happen to me.

Should have left me in that basement Greg.



Mum I wanna come home.
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